Insecurity & Self-Esteem

For the past few years, I’ve been really struggling with my self image. While I would love to blame my past relationship for a bulk of this, I can not.

Living with anxiety is really difficult. Especially when it’s combined with depression and panic attacks. In the beginning, I was doing all the things they said to do that would help. Deep breathe, Meditate, Work out. And honestly, it worked for while. But then it didn’t. The panic attacks started up again and the intrusive thought invaded my mind. I started to lose confidence in my ability to fight this thing. I started blaming myself for my mental disorder. Everytime I would end up in the ER with a diagnosis of panic attack, I would tell myself “you are so stupid.” I’d feel so embarrassed and disappointed in myself. It was this very negative self talk that slowly chipped away at my self-esteem. It also didn’t help that my “distraction” was social media. Instagram to be more specific.

Everyone know how much Instagram and social media in general can affect your mental health. I would follow these fitness models with really nice bodies and gorgeous faces. I’d see people I use to hang out with living what seem to be pretty amazing live. Starting businesses, getting married, traveling to exotic destinations and here I lie, in bed having another panic attack. This became my everyday. Only further chipping away at my self-esteem.

It gotten so bad, that I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped cutting my hair because I thought, what was the point, I stopped shaving. Barely washed my faced, I thought the water from the shower would suffice. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. And when I did, I would judge everything about myself. My teeth, they are far from perfect, my eyes, they are big, my nose, my lips, everything. I would constantly put myself down. Like who wants a mentally ill, ethnic looking, short, skinny black guy? Obviously this was very unhealthy. I really didn’t realized at the time what I was doing to myself and how much social media + my mental health affected how I viewed myself.

I feel like I am at one of my low points and there’s quite a lot of work to do. I don’t know how to build self-esteem / self confidence, but starting by deleting social media, changing the way I talk to myself and practicing self-care seems like a good start.

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